we're chasing vodka with high fives
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
