if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
