Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
