She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
