I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
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All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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