You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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