I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
