Cold hands, warm shart.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
