Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
