From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?