If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
