Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek