This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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