Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
