I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
