Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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