I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
