If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
