Sponge bath it is.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
