so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
