I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
