he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
