I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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