On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
