Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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