Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
