I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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