I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
