god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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