I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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