I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
