Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
