so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
