He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
