they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
