I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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