Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
