so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
