new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
