At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
