For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
