just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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