even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
