she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
