I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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