I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
