In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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