Everything about him screamed your future.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
