True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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