If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
