we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
