My sheets look like a crime scene.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
