I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
