New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
