Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
