All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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