I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
