he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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