my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
and she was petting her beer can
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
