Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
