is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
His nipple licking is glorious
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